Life is exactly what you make of it — For most people, this is a bad thing

The cliche that “life is what you make of it” is actually true. In a free and developed country, whatever job, friends, or relationships you have are all dependent on you. You have the power to change any of them, just by choosing to do so. And whether you become a wildly successful author, artist, inventor, entrepreneur, or marry a wonderful person, or have a fantastic set of friends, that is solely dependent on you.

Unfortunately, for most people, that’s not that great a piece of news.

The fact is that most people’s abilities and characteristics (career-wise, personality-wise) are limited, and the sorts of jobs, friends and relationships they have are directly correlated with those abilities and characteristics.

Yes, some people have been able to leave unsatisfying jobs or relationships and have had great results. And by no means should anyone stick with a situation that is making them unhappy. But, one should not expect miracles.

The cultural paradigm (at least in the US and many western countries) is “you can achieve anything you set your mind to”. This is usually stated by people who have successfully set their minds on something much higher than what they could ever dream of achieving, worked hard, and finally achieved it.

The problem is that hearing this from people who have achieved great things, is a classic case of the problem of “survival bias”. That is, only people who sacrificed a lot and worked a lot and finally succeeded are the ones going around and saying “You can achieve anything you set your mind to, just look at what I did. If I can do it, anyone can”. What we don’t hear are the countless people who tried really hard, and yet failed, because of bad timing, low ability, bad personality characteristics, etc.

We don’t hear from people who quit accounting to become an author, or quit their boring corporate job to pursue their dream of becoming an artist, or went to Hollywood to become a star, and after several years of very hard work failed.

“You can achieve anything you set your mind to” is a nice myth to believe in, but the reality is that what we achieve is limited by our abilities, our personality, timing, and luck. Hard work and monomaniacal perseverance are required, but not sufficient for success.

The idea that you determine your own future, success, and happiness, and that this is not always a great thing was captured by the great poet Konstantinos Kavafis in his poem “The City”. It’s a bit too pessimistic but captures the point well:

The City
by Konstantinos Kavafis

You said,
“I will go to another land, I will go to another sea.
Another city shall be found better than this.
Each one of my endeavors is condemned by fate;
my heart lies buried like a corpse.
How long in this disintegration can the mind remain.
Wherever I turn my eyes, wherever I gaze,
I see here only the black ruins of my life
where I have spent so many years,
and ruined and wrecked myself.”
New places you shall never find,
you’ll not find other seas.
The city still shall follow you.
You’ll wander still in the same streets,
you’ll roam in the same neighborhoods,
in these same houses
you’ll turn gray.
You’ll always arrive at this same city.
Don’t hope for somewhere else;
no ship for you exists,
no road exists.
Just as you’ve ruined your life here,
in this small corner of earth,
you’ve wrecked it now the whole world through.

Originally published at https://andrewoneverything.com.